...5 More People on Getting (and Staying) Sober
"The Californian side of my family has been a great source of inspiration for me."
This is Group Chat, a space for loose, layered conversations around health & wellness. Today: part two of our sobriety series, featuring five more perspectives on the life-changing effects of abstaining from drugs and/or alcohol.
Sean Kelly, Artist
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Sober: 2 years
@horsegirl_elegy
What does sobriety look like for you?
I am sober from alcohol and drugs. I mistakenly thought sobriety meant just not drinking and doing “hard” drugs. 2 weeks into what I thought was my sobriety journey I ate mushrooms because I didn’t know they counted. I had to restart. Poppers also count, by the way. If everything goes according to plan I would like to be sober for the rest of my life. When I first got sober that was an insane concept to me. I thought I’d surely have champagne at my wedding or a cocktail on a birthday as a treat. But my goal now is to be sober forever.
What led you there?
I drank to have fun in high school. When I went to college I drank even more to have even more fun. I got myself into terrible situations. I was really hurting my body. Our culture, however, loves a hangover. It’s hilarious and light. There’s a new burger at Carl's Jr. called the “hangover burger.” When you go get juice there’s an option on the menu called the “hangover cure” with ginger and lemon. I fell victim to thinking this lifestyle was just a part of being in your late teens/early 20’s. Things got worse and worse but I felt that since I wasn’t waking up and having a pint of Svedka I was fine.
I also believed I couldn’t be an alcoholic because I never drank alone. I was just acting like a silly 23 year old girl, binge drinking with friends on the weekends. Only the binge drinking started creeping into the weekdays. I had a moment in the beginning of May 2023. I went into work as a barback at Le Dive in LES and told myself I wouldn’t have a sip of alcohol during my shift. I made it 45 minutes. I ended that night (or morning) at 8 am in a coworker’s apartment having not slept. That’s when I knew I needed to stop altogether. There was no question of mediation for me.
Things got worse and worse but I felt that since I wasn’t waking up and having a pint of Svedka I was fine.
If you’re still sober, what has kept you there?
The beginning of sobriety was really tough. I remember 18 days sober a woman handed me a shot of tequila at a bar and I stared at it debating for a really long time. I thought I could maybe just have a tiny sip. I thank god to this day I didn’t give in. Social situations were really tough. Drinking was a racing thought in my head. I would see my friends drink and couldn’t be fully present because I was just thinking about how it must taste and how I wish I could have some. I remember one night about 3 months into sobriety at a restaurant my friend ordered a gin and tonic and I ordered a seltzer. When the server came with our drinks you couldn’t tell them apart and I hoped I would accidentally end up with the gin. I did not, thank God.
What keeps me sober is remembering how bad it was before. If I ever have a moment where I think a glass of wine sounds good I quickly remember what happens when I drink. I don’t stop. I remember how many times I humiliated myself or hurt other people.
How have your relationships changed since getting sober?
I remember how in my drinking life I would constantly wake up not remembering what I had done the night before or WHY I had done/said those things the night before. My drunk self was constantly going behind my own back. Now that I’m sober, I wake up every single morning remembering the night before. I don’t go behind my back anymore. I stand by everything I do and say. I trust myself more.
Dating is a tricky thing to navigate in sobriety. It’s suggested in AA that you don’t date for the first year. The fear is that it will be an addiction transfer (alcohol/drugs → person). The fear is also that it’ll pull your focus away from sobriety. I broke that rule. 7 months into sobriety I started dating someone who was not sober. It moved extremely fast and abruptly ended only 2 months later. It was also really hard dating someone who drank. We got into a lot of fights and I couldn’t tell if he was just drunk or soberly angry. It was jarring. It definitely changed my view on relationships.
Your first date sober is also a very awkward experience. Noah, hope you’re doing well!
How do you navigate social situations where drinking or imbibing is the norm?
It’s case by case, and I don’t want to encourage any sober person to go to a bar, but I still frequent bars. I just order a seltzer and lime juice. That’s a good sober drink because you really just sip on it for a while since it’s so sour and bitter. At first it was really hard to go to drinking social settings because a drink was all I wanted, but the more I practiced the more I got the hang of it. The first event you attend sober is pretty jarring though. I remember I was 8 days sober and had dinner with my friends and they had a bottle of wine and I wanted to burst into tears. I remember also I went to my Aunt's birthday pool party when I was 2 months sober and had to excuse myself to sit in her room for a couple hours to escape. You really just get used to it. You keep flexing your sober muscle and soon socializing becomes a breeze. Your first date sober is also a very awkward experience. Noah, hope you’re doing well!
What advice would you give to the sober-curious?
These are some helpful things I learned:
If you Googled “AA meetings near me” you have a drinking problem.
If you attend an AA meeting you have a drinking problem.
If you think “man I shouldn’t drink anymore” you have a drinking problem.
If you try to constantly assure yourself you’re not an alcoholic, you have a drinking problem.
If you get in a lot of fights, and the fights would not have happened sober, you have a drinking problem.
If you think you don’t have a drinking problem because you don’t drink alone, you have a drinking problem.
If you can’t stop after one or two drinks, you have a drinking problem.
If drinking has gotten you into trouble at work, you have a drinking problem.
Anyone is welcome in AA. If you’re pounding 6 pints of Vodka a day, you’re welcome. If you’re having a martini every Friday and you want to STOP having a martini every Friday, you’re welcome. There is no qualification. Just the desire to stop.
Lodewijk Germanes (Louis Vogue), Musician
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Sober: Since September 2023
@lodewijkg
What does sobriety look like for you?
Sobriety for me means that I am not drinking alcohol or using any drugs. This year I even managed to quit smoking cigarettes, to my own surprise. I find it hard to say whether my sobriety will be lifelong or not, but it is what feels right for me at this point in my life. And I don’t see myself going back to my old habits.
What led you there?
I had been involved with nightlife, and everything that comes with it, for over ten years. Alcohol and substances were taking up too much space in my life. Their negative effects were long outweighing the “fun” they once brought me. The hangovers would often get in the way of my goals and have me feeling depressed.
I wanted to take back full control over my own life. This led to me trying sobriety. I (and the people in my environment) quickly started to notice the positive impact it had on my mind and my body. I haven’t looked back since then.
If you’re still sober, what has kept you there?
Working out has helped support my sobriety. I rediscovered the joy of being active; doing fitness, running, basketball … This healthier lifestyle is key for me now. I have more time and energy (and money) for things that really bring me joy. Making music, spending time with family and friends, travelling … This is what matters the most.
How have your relationships changed since getting sober?
My relationships have become more genuine.
How do you navigate social situations where drinking or imbibing is the norm?
I love that there is so many non-alcoholic alternatives nowadays. An alcohol-free beer, kombucha or a mocktail go a long way to feel like less of an outsider in situations where everyone else is drinking.
What advice would you give to the sober-curious?
If you are sober-curious. I highly recommend trying it, even for a couple of weeks. Take time to reflect on your relationship with alcohol and substances. Try to focus on your passions and plan as much fun activities as possible that don’t require you to drink. It might change your life like it did mine.
Jacob Romero, Student + Designer
Location: Chicago, IL
Sober: 6 months
@jacob___romero
What does sobriety look like for you?
Sobriety is such a funny word. I feel quite silly saying “I’m sober” to people.
For me sobriety means no alcohol but I still consume edibles and the occasional dose of mushrooms every couple of months in company of good friends. My sobriety, for now, is probably going to be indefinite. I was always just a social drinker, but now as I’ve navigated events and parties with a kombucha in hand, it doesn’t seem so hard to continue this for a while.
What led you to getting sober?
I never set out to be “sober.” It sort of came with a more holistic approach in aligning myself more with the pseudo-bodybuilder lifestyle I try to maintain. About three years ago, my gut health completely changed. I was almost constantly nauseous and I always felt bloated. What started out as a fear of something greater ended up slowly resolving through cutting out certain things out of my diet. I had to experiment with my diet for a bit and see how my body reacted to certain foods. Slowly I began to figure out what was causing me issues. First carrots, dairy and most recently berries. It seemed like I was in the clear for a while. But then, I started to party. It didn’t matter if it was one drink or seven, I was waking up the next day incredibly nauseous, bloated, and after the heavier nights, the worst hangxiety.
I never set out to be “sober.” It sort of came with a more holistic approach in aligning myself more with the pseudo-bodybuilder lifestyle I try to maintain.
If you’re still sober, what has kept you there?
Saying no, haha. I used to be such a pushover, but I’ve found it’s not hard to say no. Especially when you realize that no one actually really cares if you’re drinking, they usually only care when they start to feel self conscious of their own drinking. I also like to choose a fun drink before I go out. You need to make it fun. Don’t wallow in it. I’ve started to really enjoy kombucha.
How have your relationships changed since getting sober?
Not drinking in many ways has helped me maintain my rhythm of work and meal prepping as well. I’m quicker to leave parties and set myself up for success the next day. Since I work and go to school full time, I have more time and discipline to get straight into my day.
How do you navigate social situations where drinking or imbibing is the norm?
I’m definitely used to getting comments on my lifestyle. I’ve been packing the same variation of lunches to school for three years now and I still get teased when I pull put my chicken and rice haha. So it’s not really an issue for me now when people raise a brow to me saying no to a drink.
I’ve gotten a mix of reactions from people. I had started to get this reputation of being a “party girl” (in reference to the one time I DJ’d wearing a Charli shirt). But once I made it pretty clear I wasn’t drinking people usually change the conversation or even sometimes express their own desires to try cutting alcohol out. When I do get the occasional sideways remark, I remind myself that they won’t be there to help when I feel awful the next day. Plus, it’s not that serious, I don’t like to dwell on what other people think about me. I use humor to cut the tension. No one likes a self-righteous dick and I definitely don’t want to come off as one.
What advice would you give to the sober-curious?
Do it, and make it fun for yourself! You don’t have to stop going out and having fun. Use the seven dollars you would’ve paid for an overpriced cocktail and buy yourself a fun drink at a 7/11.
Tonight, I’m seeing Bassvictim with my friends. My pregame drink of choice: a Mystic Mango Kombucha.
Lara Young, Photographer
Location: Queens, NY
Sober: 8 months
@_larayoung_
What does sobriety look like for you?
Sober from all addictive substances including alcohol.
What led you there?
Sobriety was my birthday present to myself last year instead of getting there through “rock bottom” like I did last time.
I have known since I started drinking at 14 that being drunk to me was not the same as it was to a lot of other people around me. I would always push it to extremes and end up in dangerous situations, or getting really sick, or doing things I regretted. I got through last winter by drinking every day and pretty soon that behavior carried through the spring, and then the summer. I’d constantly wake up one morning and realize I’d been drunk for the past 11, 12 nights in a row. So I decided to try sobriety again before it got really bad. It’s not the first time I stopped drinking but it was the first time I considered it a “gift to myself” (I stopped drinking on my 27th birthday) as opposed to a response to hitting rock bottom.
What has kept you there?
I’m not doing it as a consequence or reaction to something that happened but rather as a gift I keep giving myself every day. I think it’s really easy for me to engage in self-destructive or overly intense acts and I know that even when I do that today, I still have given myself sobriety. It’s made it a lot easier to forgive myself for any other missteps I’ve had in my mental or even physical health. So I stay sober in order to keep this grasp on self-compassion that’s come along with it. This winter I’ve still smoked weed and micro-dosed LSD and shrooms, but I even find myself straying away from those things. Sobriety has also given me the opportunity to see what really bothers me in life. I used to think I was an adaptable, go-with-the-flow kind of person. Turns out I was just drunk! I’ve learned that I hate bars that you can’t dance in, I hate when people stand or talk too close to me, and I hate staying out super late.
I used to think I was an adaptable, go-with-the-flow kind of person. Turns out I was just drunk!
How have your relationships changed since?
These are all things I would’ve never learned about myself if I wasn’t sober from alcohol. And makes me want to go deeper into sobriety from everything. Meeting myself is special.
What advice would you give to the sober-curious?
Approach from a place of doing something nice to yourself, rather than as an obligation or a form of progress. The point is not to be a “better version of yourself,” but to do good things to your body and mind for the sake of doing good things. I think once I took the pressure out of sobriety and made it feel like something light and natural, it became an easier choice for me to make.
Grace Helen, Student + Writer
Location: Toronto, sometimes Michigan
Sober: Most of life
@grace____helen
How long have you been sober?
I have been sober pretty much all my life. Though, after smoking too much weed on my birthday a few years ago, resulting in a panic attack, I made it official.
What does sobriety look like for you?
Sobriety, for me, feels like a lifelong journey to stay in alignment with my truest self. I smoke or take an edible a few days of the year, but that's really it. With set boundaries and intentions, sobriety doesn't have to be so black and white.
What led you to sobriety?
A desire to be more me. I feel like all of these external things complicate my inner self, and being sober, not only in my abstinence from substances, but also in my abstinence from the kinds of people and activities that abuse them, has led me to feel much more true to myself.
The Californian side of my family has been a great source of inspiration for me.
If you’re still sober, what has kept you there?
I have remained sober because I know no other way. Being raised in a strict, religious family, as well as seeing my distant relatives bear the costs of a lifestyle built on substances, conditioned me to keep a distance from substances altogether. I enjoy the clarity that being sober has afforded me. Being able to focus more on my health rather than substances has allowed me to feel a kind of freedom that no substance has ever granted me. The Californian side of my family has been a great source of inspiration for me.
How have your relationships changed since getting sober?
Every relationship of mine has flourished. My healthy friendships have only strengthened, anything other than that has diminished. My relationship with myself has become much more conscious and honest since understanding and embracing my sobriety. Sobriety has also allowed me to attract my first healthy relationship.
How do you navigate social situations where drinking or imbibing is the norm?
I usually politely decline these events, but if it cannot be helped, I opt for water. I either bring a bottle of water with me or I ask for still water, if available.
What advice would you give to the sober-curious?
Detachment can be a beautiful thing.
Artist SoiL Thornton on being straightedge:
What new people notice about me is that I don't drink or take drugs. That spawned from being straightedge in high school and moved to being mostly apathetic to using substances, and also being very interested in alternative ways of living in society.
Filmmaker + Sex Mag publisher Asher Penn on choosing recovery:
We create pain for others through self-neglect. When I am considering others, everything else falls into place.
Writer Em Brill on the moment she stopped drinking:
I’d interviewed for a prestigious job the previous day and poured myself a glass of champagne. I sat alone in my parents’ garage, took a sip of it, and thought, ‘Why am I doing this? Who is this for?’
