Happy Mother’s Day weekend. To celebrate, here’s a conversation between Los Angeles-based writer Samantha Stahl and her mother, Marisa, a therapist and former aerobics instructor-turned-competitor. Enjoy <3
I appreciate everything about my mother, Marisa. She is my constant companion, the voice in my head, my literal idol. She has taught, encouraged, and guided me to walk in a straight line when all I want to do is fall to the floor.
Something about my mother is that she is strong, and always has been. In every sense of the word. What stands out in particular, though, is the way she takes care of her physical health — I can never remember a time when I have not been impressed by the way her biceps look in a spaghetti strap tank top. She is always able to help me lift furniture, and will carry my entire body in her arms if wanted, or if necessary. I am a grown adult woman with muscles of my own. This strikes me as impressive, and also rare. I am grateful for a mother who can move.
My mother is also a therapist, and many ask me how that is for me, to have in my bloodline and in conversation and generally around. I can speak on this at this moment to definitively say that my mother’s word is Truth to me nearly all of the time, and her knowledge is very precious to me.
She is a deeply discerning and emotionally perceptive person, and her thoughts that I disseminate to friends are often referred to as “Pearls.” Below are her Pearls of Wisdom for Mom Gossip, with insights into finding God in aerobics, thong leotards, not minding what happens, and advice for young women to grow with grace.
—Samantha on her mother, Marisa
Mom Gossip: Marisa by Samantha
California, USA
Marisa: I told my phone to call you, and it called my mom. It didn’t even go, “...this number’s been disconnected....” It kind of hung out there and went click, click, click... Interesting. Oh, I heard this thing on Larry Mantle this morning that ice baths are out, and guess what’s in?
Samantha: Hot.
Extreme heat! It stimulates the mother cells, which take care of all the baby cells.
You are my mother cell taking care of my baby cells. And speaking of taking care, I wanted to start by asking: what does the picture of health look like to you?
The picture of health. Picture of health, picture of health... The picture of health can do what she wants to do physically and emotionally. She is in balance. The care that she takes of herself is evident — not just physically, but it radiates out of her. And she has energy, extra energy to share with those around her.
More of a vignette of health, but okay. That’s a good philosophy for being a therapist and a fitness instructor. How does your therapy practice align with your health practices?
In both professions, I see my role as realizing potential in the people that I’m lucky enough to share space with. Connection is of paramount importance. You can’t draw anything out of anybody, and no one is going to trust you or dig deep — either physically or emotionally — if they don’t connect with you and feel that you are authentic and present. You need to be both in both careers.
Let’s get into your aerobics journey. I know it was a huge part of your life when you were my age, and that you were nationally successful and very beloved in Los Angeles.
That’s a linear trajectory. I moseyed into my first aerobics class when I was 18 — Cheryl’s Fitness Center on Santa Monica Boulevard in West LA. There was this very tiny, short little instructor who was so adorable, and she was jumping around and doing these things in choreographed succession that I had never seen before in my life.
It was like I had found God. I took the class right after that one, too. And then when I went home, and I did little routines that I could remember from class in front of my mirror. On the same day, that same night. I went back the next day. And then the next day. And then the next.
After a while, they asked me to teach, so I taught my first class there with my notes and my cassette tape. Then, I taught at the Santa Monica Sports Connection, and then Spectrum. Then, the crown jewel — Sports Club — opened and everybody was like, “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, who’s gonna teach there?” They took very, very few of us. But they took me!
I taught the first class on the first day. They were signing memberships in a trailer as they were building the gym, because it was so luxurious at the time. There was nothing like it. It was the place to be. They had pool and racquetball and state-of-the-art everything, and all the celebrities were there. It was quite the scene. The classes were packed and it was just literally the best thing ever.
The picture of health can do what she wants to do physically and emotionally. She is in balance.
Then, I discovered aerobics competitions. Sports Club sponsored me and got me a choreographer. But I came in second, which doesn’t get you to the National Finals. However, the runner-up gets one more chance to go to Nationals by competing in the Open. The Open is the hardest, because everybody from across the country who just missed qualifying by one place is there.
Sports Club was like, “Yeah, we sponsored you once. We’re not sponsoring you again.” So my class raised all the money I needed for the plane ticket, for the hotel, everything. I came in second at the Open and I made it to Nationals.
I’m literally crying. This story makes me cry.
It was good times, babe. It was good times. Aerobics was everything. It used to be the height of sexiness. There was one club I taught at where guys were teaching and they would stuff their tights. They would put socks in their crotches and teach.
Some club owners wanted us to have our hair and makeup perfect every class. We had to look a certain way to teach. One always said, “I don’t care what you look like at the end of class, but at the beginning of class, I want you to look great.”
I’ll never forget, the first day, this one instructor came in with a full-on thong leotard, and I was like, “Oh, my god!” We would wear tights and a high-cut leotard, but it would cover part of your butt. But she came in wearing the thong leotard and the leg warmers, and that was it. From then on —
You wore the thong leotard.
Of course! And then it progressed from the thong leotard to the thong bottom and the bra top. It was adorable.
But you’ve never worn a lot of makeup, especially compared to other moms or even Grandma. Why?
I often think about that. I don’t get my nails done. The hair, nails, makeup stuff.
Dave (my dad, from another room): Too much working out.
He’s not wrong. I put all that energy into working out. I was working out two, three times a day, and never did it when I was younger. It became a habit. Working out was more of a priority than looking a certain way, makeup-wise.
Wasn’t working out in your 20s more aesthetic-driven than wellness-driven?
It was body. Body was everything. There was a lot of pressure — to be in front of 45 people, ten times a week was not easy. Half the time, I would wear a sweatshirt tied around my butt when I felt self-conscious, and everyone would make fun of me for it. Your body needed to look a certain way.
It’s hard for me to appreciate certain practices when I don’t look or feel better. Like, why am I doing this? Why do you do things that you know are good for you but don’t have perceptible effects?
If I know I’m doing something good for my organs and my internal health, that’s enough for me, at least at this age. It wasn’t at your age. I had to see it. My external appearance was everything, and I really couldn’t care less about what was going on on the inside. But now, as I age, that’s more precious to me. I’m taking better care of that now. I’d like to be around, and things just happen. Many things are out of my control. So, I try to control the things I can.
True that. God grant me the serenity.
Speaking of God granting you the serenity, let’s move to more of your spiritual practice. Your eclecticism has led me to some interesting places. I feel like it’s all mixed up into something that works for you, not following a dogma.
My philosophy is based on finding meaning in life itself. I want to be the best version of myself, have the most self-awareness possible, and be as intentional as I can be in each moment.
I try not to take things personally. When someone does something I don’t like, I try not to be reactive, to take a breath, and to recognize that that person is having a moment in their own life. I remember that we are separate beings and I am here to be alongside that person, not to lead them. I am here to support when asked. That has taken a tremendous amount of angst and responsibility off my shoulders, which has created a sense of calm in the past 2-3 years.
I have zero control over anything that happens in anyone’s life. All I can do is be there. No matter what happens, I will handle it. If I lose them, if they get hurt, if they die, I will be okay.
Even if I died, you would be okay?
I would have to be okay. I think that way about Daddy. I think that way about Ally. I think that way about me. I think that way about everything.
That’s where my Buddhism practice comes in. Everything is temporary. Every relationship is temporary. People get sick. People die. People make dumb decisions. People have accidents. People’s lives take left turns that they don’t foresee. It has not been my turn yet. I’ve been intensely fortunate, and I am so grateful for that. But, I don’t expect that my luck will continue until the day I die.
I do think about the fact that I could lose anybody at any time all the time. Buddhism teaches you that you have to know that your most beloved people can die today. There’s something in the acceptance of that. That’s what non-attachment means. It doesn’t mean that you are not going to be ruined or devastated, and I would not leave the fetal position for two months. It means that that could happen, and people get through it, and I will make my way. I don’t know how, and I hope I never have to, but I know that it could happen.
The people who suffer are those who act like they’re dying every day of their lives. I vowed never to live my life like that. Instead, I bring myself back and listen. I want every moment to be intentional. I’m not perfect, and I’m going to stray, but I want to remember how I want to be. I want to be intentional enough to say, “Oh, you’re drifting. Bring yourself back.”
It takes a lot of self-awareness. In every conversation with my patients, everything — I ask myself how I want to show up. I want every moment to exist as it is. Having my lane, and knowing when I am drifting.
Growing up, we had no junk food, no fast food, no Disney Channel, no Nickelodeon, no Bratz dolls. No iCarly. What’s the deal?
It’s not like we just fed you edamame and spinach. You had pizza and Trader Joe’s enchiladas and cookies, but you didn’t have Doritos or McDonald’s or Coke. We didn’t eat that stuff. I mean, Daddy ate it, but I didn’t. Well, I used to. Oh, those were such good days. I used to go from Taco Bell—I’d get like three tacos and a bean and cheese burrito—to Carl’s Jr. and get a baked potato. There were three places that I’d love to go in quick succession. ‘Cause I worked out so much, I could eat anything I want.
Anyways, I didn’t eat junk like that, so why would I feed you that? We don’t put that in our body, so why would we feed you something we didn’t feed ourselves?
When it comes to the Nickelodeon and Bratz, I think there’s better things to watch, better things to do. And, in first grade, when that kid with the little bowl cut called you sexy? He had an older brother, and I bet that’s where he learned that word. I thought, “You know what? These girls are going to grow up so fast anyway. Why would I add to that?” Let me try to tap the brakes again as much as I can, because the world is going to grow them up so much faster.
Shit’s going to happen. The stuff I can control, I’m going to control. When you were out with anyone else, their rules were fine. But in our house, we’re not getting Slurpees at 7-Eleven. Except for the all-you-can-drink Slurpees. Then we’re taking the big martini glass and we’re doing that.
What would you like to see women my age do to grow with grace?
Oh God, I just want to wrap my arms around all of you.
I would tell you to slow down. Life is going too fast. Your brains have not adapted to how fast technology, social media, and life are going. It’s not your fault. It’s not your particular brain. It’s that human brains are not adapting. You’ve been bombarded with more than you can handle physiologically, and you’re feeling tremendous pressure because of it.
Growing with grace — I think you should grow with health. You all are doing the absolute best you can to keep your heads above water, and to stay as healthy as you can, to not compare yourself to everything and everybody that you see.
Forge your own path. Be successful in a way that matters to you. Be challenged in a way that matters to you. That’s what I wish for you.
I wish that too.
wow
this was so beautiful omg