On Recording, Part 2

"There is an unsettling absurdity in reducing a life to measurements..."

Part two of a series of contributions by S. Paul, submitted in response to the Health Gossip questionnaire. Read part one here.

Day 1, Full Moon

The sunrise was nice. There were a lot of clouds, so the light cast into my room was diffused hazy white. The night before I stayed up late doing ketamine and bouncing around different regions of my computer. A rewatch of Motorway (2012), which I'd only seen the day before — I was trying to tease out exactly how Soi Cheang was able to construct such a dense, lean text about the relation between humans and machines, all while using the vehicle of the genre film. Clicks around my archive, looking at things I'd made in the past, specifically GIFs from 2020, constructed from miniDV footage from the backseat of a car on the way to a party in Seattle, trying to forge the way forward.

A series of minor events from the past weekend led to an acute depression that I knew would pass but I had to find a way out of. The clicks lead me to a video about Stanley Brouwn, notably violating the artist's instructions not to document his work in image. There's a section that focuses on how he maintains records of steps and presents them. This was my favorite part while seeing the shows in Chicago and Los Angeles, earlier this year and last. The footage in the video is from the Stedelijk, at a show open until September 1st. It's a traveling map, though the map shape shifts. The AI voiceover keys in on something crucial:

There is an unsettling absurdity in reducing a life to measurements. The lack of curatorial explanation creates a productive a historicity that brings Brouwn's work close to contemporary anxieties. Who hasn't tracked steps by choice or by health app default? We are now adrift in a sea of often forcibly gathered biometric data and Brouwn's bespoke tracking feels both quaint and prescient.

Despite waking up early, I was running late. I sat on the couch and read some of Sergio Pitol's The Art of Flight until I lost track of time and had to rush to work. I bought a Lenny and Larry Birthday Cake protein cookie and a VitaCoco Pressed at the deli. For lunch I bought grocery store spicy tuna avocado sushi rolls and a Pink Lady Apple Kombucha. For dinner I made myself a burger (not organic) and black beans (organic). I wanted to go to the gym but I was running low on sleep from the previous night so I did 5 sets of 10 push-ups and called it a night. My phone told me that I'd walked 4,978 steps or 1.9 miles.

I'm generally quite averse to cataloging the self like this, not only as far as health but the creation of logs of books read, films watched, places passed, life lived and affixing these logs to dates. Too much rigidity, too static of a memory of the memory, too limiting for future imaginations.

There's an underlying awareness that everything is being recorded in some way — metadata, of course, but also the floating oral record, and then the akashic record. But as far as reading and writing the personal, I prefer things to remain unfixed, open. Writing as a means to transform reality — the phrase has been a sort of bedrock for me. Initially I applied it outwards, thinking about writing seeding itself as a virus, transforming and hijacking the language of traveling texts and images. But in the last two years, the phrase has reconfigured itself inwards: the idea of writing as a means to transform one's internal reality, informing the way of seeing, approaching, and moving through the world. And these interactions with worlds as Writing — this log presents itself as an opportunity for this.

11 April 1987, Paris: Indifference of knowledge rather than indifference of ignorance. In other words, I did everything and the world remained the same.

Day 2

In the morning I did 30 pushups (three sets of 10) and then walked to a cafe and brought back a cappucino and an apricot croissant. I read more of the Pitol, did the dishes from the previous night, and started to clean my room, which entailed migrating a few stacks of books around before going back to the Pitol and a PDF of the letters between Isabella Stewart Gardner and Bernard Berenson. By afternoon I started to get hungry, so I ate the rest of yesterday's black beans with cheese and salsa and then took the train to S's apartment south of Prospect Park.

We had plans to drive around Staten Island but were waiting for his girlfriend to get back. He suggested getting caffeinated and then we drank these energy drinks he'd acquired at Erewhon — he'd attended FWB Fest as part of performing a series of ethnographies. Among his observations was that every food item catered for the festival has ashwagandha in it, monkfruit was very common, and upon making the return from Idyllwild to Los Angeles and hitting an Erewhon for the first time, that essentially all of the food from the festival came from that store. The beverage was from the Emotional Utility Beverage company, which sells beverages that support the firing, blocking, and regulating of key excitatory, inhibitory, and modulatory Neurotransmitters such as GABA, serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, glutamate, acetylcholine, noradrenaline, and adrenaline. Its ingredients were:

Filtered Water, Organic Cane Sugar, Natural Flavors, Citric Acid, Sodium Citrate, Magnesium Glycinate, Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid (GABA), L-Theanine, Organic Lion's Mane Mushroom Extract, Organic Green Tea Extract, Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Stevia Reb M, Pantothenic Acid (Vitamin B5), Pyridoxine HCL (Vitamin B6), Cyanocobalamin (Vitamin B12).

Naturally, I brought up this log to S, about the experiment it posed, the behaviors it could change, what I hoped it might accomplish, and he suggested going to his kitchen, where we popped Omega-3 softgels that are vegan (the Omega-3 comes from algae). We talked about sea moss and health trends and wellness and the conversation migrated to the idea of poisons and pharmakons. I talked about a life of consuming plastics and how stopping now wouldn't necessarily change the past, but also how difficult it is to avoid poisons. I'm generally able to accept these sorts of things existing on the threshold of control and belonging to historical periods and geographic constraints. The one day where New York was orange and smokey last summer, where everyone wanted to declare apocalypse, would've been an ordinary day in Delhi or any number of third-world cities with significant pollution from manufacturing. There's a certain privilege that accompanies being able to be neurotic about certain things, even if those neuroses are well-guided. In a different way, health is wealth.

We set off on our drive, with no real destination in mind, rather focusing on the idea of exploring a place without many signifiers attached to it. We walked around a park and abandoned sea plane hanger in New Dorp and then drove past a carnival that was taking place in the parking lot of the Staten Island Mall. We tried to go into the mall first but they were closing so we hit the Lidl. I bought a pain au chocolat and ate it while walking to the carnival. We went in and I brought up how this sort of a thing is supposedly better than TikTok for kids, at least in terms of screen time, and then we began to compare the form of the circus to TikTok. The short form bits, the 'swipe up' that exists between acts, the various ways dopamine is generated and attention is channeled, the bits of sexuality that trickle into the performance for the dads in the audience. The intermission hit and they encouraged us to hit the concessions, which signaled our moment to leave. We would miss the metal spherical cage that they'd drive motorcycles in.

We stopped at a Mexican restaurant and I got two tacos (el pastor and carnitas) and a water and talked about how the log was changing my behaviors, stopping me from getting a beer, a margarita, an horchata, a Jarritos. I spent a decent amount of the day moving via train and automobile. My final step count was 6,343 — 2.6 miles. I got home around 11 and did another 50 push-ups before bed, to try to compensate for the lack of gym time today. A quote from Pitol, a photograph of which I sent to B:

It is well known that there is no tide without a counter-tide, action without reaction. And the undertows tend to be brutal. Perhaps in a bar, on a walk, in a party, I will suddenly regret not being in my garret, where I could take notes... and write letters that I owe, and, above all, write stories, make up stories, write, write, write instead of drink like a Pole and go about life from binge to binge, instead of ruining my health, altering my nervious system, wasting my faculties, time, and energy only later to fully become the loser that at this moment I feel predestined to be.

Day 3

I had the same breakfast as yesterday. For lunch I ate half of a vegan panini (grilled asparagus, sautéed spinach, black pepper and vegan mayonnaise, roasted fennel, on pizza bianca bread), a roasted veggie wrap (sautéed spinach, roasted eggplant, roasted tomatoes, goat cheese, baby arugula, provolone cheese, sriracha sauce, on tuscan flatbread), half a gluten-free cookie and half a gluten-free brownie. In the afternoon I was pretty tired and walked to the grocery store and bought a Gorgie Energy Drink. Continuing from yesterday, this was a self-conscious decision in getting an over-the-top health beverage. 150mg of caffeine, but also 100% of my daily value of Niacin, Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, and Biotin. I looked it up the brand's Instagram and saw that they had a collab smoothie with Erewhon and that it was currently the 2nd best-selling energy drink at the store. It had me geeking for an hour or so, total mind-race that eventually calmed down once I went for a walk. For dinner I had a few pieces of proscuitto, ham, and salami, two pieces of foccacia bread, a couple handfuls of dates, a few blackberries, and a couple pieces of gouda and mozzarella.

I came back to the apartment and made myself some yohimbe tea. Yohimbe is a West African tree bark that they sell in a ground-up powdered form at the Indian store in the East Village. It's typically marketed as an aphrodisiac but I've been using it mainly for its mild stimulant properties, which don't seem to hit the mind as much as they do the heart — my working assumption is that it's hitting different receptors than caffeine does, which makes it an ideal mild pre-workout while coming down from caffeine.

I smoked a spliff with J while walking around the neighborhood and then went to the gym. Stationary-biked 5 miles (burning 203 calories) and lifted weights for a tiny bit (10 sets of 15 15-pound curls, 10 pull-ups and a few minutes hanging from the bar, 10 sets of 25-pound kettlebell lifts). Drank some kefir when I got back.

I'm still actively trying to navigate how I'm shaping this log — there's a natural worry that it's only a slightly different repetition from my Residency piece. In turn, it becomes a question of value. I'm also still working through the problem of the map / what I'm trying to condense and what the visual accompaniments to this are.

As far as this problem with repetition, there was a part of the Pitol that I underlined today, starting with a quotation from [André] Gide, which Pitol calls a basic rule: Never take advantage of momentum already gained.

Pitol asks, Does each book, then, have to start from zero? before going on to answer his question:

In the end, it is really a matter, I imagine, of preventing language from passing, by sheer inertia, from one book to another and becoming a parody of itself, lulled by the energy of the momentum gained.

It reminded me of something C's talked about, how people's online personas become parodies of themselves, specifically with Twitter. But when texting a picture of this page to C2, I extended it to rap, the idea of Lil Baby in 2024 vs. Lil Baby in 2020, with Baby and Central Cee's We can go band for band / Fuck that we can go M for M functioning as a parody of Baby and 42 Dugg's Yeah yeah yeah yeah we paid / Yeah yeah yeah yeah we paid.

Before bed I do a line of K. The yohimbe had me geeking and I wanted to fall asleep. But before doing that, I fix the code to healthgossip2. I smoke a bit more and made myself a tea with burdock root and punarnava powder. Once I hone in on my mapmaking mechanism, the machine will be complete. Then the Writing will take over.

Day 4

Oatmeal, cappuccino, peanut butter cookie, 1/2 turkey sandwich, veggie wrap. Espresso tonic, ginger beer, brown sugar lime juice and lime, curry dumplings, spinach, misc. vegan Chinese dishes, Mexican coke, Cigarette (rolled).

7,467 steps. 3.3 miles.

Reading is a secret game of approximations and distances. It is also a lottery. One arrives at a book by unusual means; one stumbles upon an author by apparent coincidence only to never be able to stop reading him.

Day 5

Oatmeal, Sang Vietnamese coffee (Cinnamon Latte), Il Tartufo on a hero, Arianciata, espresso, gelato w/ whipped cream + chocolate sauce, water, vape (white gummy ice), 🐾⏸️ (3meO-pcp), dates (bad), sip of kefir, 2 slices of cozy pizza, coke (drink), 5 lines of ketamine (largely unable to metabolize).

7.9 miles, 18,177 steps.

October 27: I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Death seems the ideal solution. I would like to die. Life is unbearable for me. I have no desire to live. I want to die...' Mann often speaks of his modesty, his life as a recluse, his exclusion from the world, when in fact his life constitutes a daily and ongoing relationship with fame. The slightest sense of failure is unbearable for him... His work discipline is exemplary, admirable, and heroic throughout his life. Knowing that he is the owner of a word that others are anxiously awaiting — a single word to awaken or reassure his flock — gives him in due course a sense of continuity (308).

Day 6

Nasi Lemak, Bek Kopi, sparkling Perrier lime, bag of figs, GT Mushroom Elixir (Matcha Cream Soda), weed, kefir. 3.6 miles, 8,180 steps.

Day 7

Naked Organic Coconut Water, Birthday Cake Protein Cookie, Gorgie bev, Taim bowl (hummus, supergeens, falafel with harissa, cabbage, beets, carrots, babaganoush, tzatziki, chickpeas, tahini), 2 steamed pork dumplings, walnut shrimp w/ broccoli & rice, Fortune Cookie, 2 lines of ketamine, Burdock-Punarnava Tea. 10,937 steps, 4.9 miles.

Day 8

Cappucino, apricot croissant, two pieces of pita bread, hummus, kefir, Solaray multivitamin, Korean Ginseng (500 mg), 100 push-ups, 4.4 miles, 9,811 steps, Burdock-Punarnava Tea.

Day 9

I've already grown to find this sort of cataloging exhausting, as well as different aspects of it a failure. I know that I'm accumulating significant amounts of data and metadata, yet what I'm recording and how I'm recording it leaves something to be desired. There's this matter of writing and inscription that I return to, much of the last week falling into daily records of consumption with little text to accompany it. There's a struggle of purpose and of accomplishment, what this text and the writing of it is doing.

Part of it is this matter of parody, of doing a version of a thing done before. And there was a shift from narrativizing the consumption and activities of each day into simply listing them out, stripping them bare, devoid of context. I've talked about the writing of this a number of times — with E after C's show, where she mentioned that L had shared it with her and that she thought it was good so far, although I wasn't sure if it was; I was struggling with the purpose, and too tired to voice out these concerns. And then I talked about it in relation to a number of other names and writing practices and projects with Z and G and A while we were on 🐾⏸. And then again at dinner with J.

Berenson: I write almost not at all. I have so little time, and less inclination. I feel that here I must observe, and that it will be time enough to write when I return home.

I'm wrestling with the idea of both the diary and the fragment, the completed work and the sketch, the freestyle and the produced, the composed.

Double chocolate protein cookie, Gorgie Energy Drink, Multivitamin, Korean Ginseng, 8 piece spicy tuna roll, 2 pieces of matcha mochi, Ito en green tea, 5 whole wheat crackers, Mylé Watermelon Mango vape, burger patty on top of flatbread with hummus, topped with 2 eggs, tamarind chutney, zaatar spice. Half a spliff. 2.4 miles, 5,864 steps. 100 push-ups.

I get home and there are mountains to write and valleys to climb. I collapse.

Day 10

Kefir
Korean Ginseng
Multi-vitamin
Taim Bowl
Gorgie
Ketamine (8 lines)
1.7 miles

Day 11

Quest protein cookie
Organic coconut water
Eel rice ball
Ucc matcha latte
Pitaya bowl w/ granola, kiwis, mango, pineapple, honey
Soprasetta, focaccia, sesame, baguette, cheeses, tomatoes, oyster mushrooms, sparkling water, chili sauce, cigarette
5.4 miles

Day 12

Kefir
Multi-vitamin
Ginseng
Nature Valley Protein Bar - Dark Chocolate (2)
1/2 pack of Belvita Breakfast Bars
Spicy chicken cutlet on a roll w/ lettuce, tomatoes, olives, jalapeños, chipotle mayo
Can of coke
Ketamine (10 lines)
Ginger Lemon Kombucha
Myle/Geek Bar (throughout day)
5.9 miles

Day 13

Cappucino
Chocolate sea salt biscotti
Oatmeal
Multi-vitamin
Ginseng
10mg adderall
Myle vape
Pizza (1 grandma slice)
Blueberry Almond Crisp Clif Bar
Pink Lady Apple Kombucha
Coke (1 line)
10mg adderall
2.9 miles

Day 14

Kefir
Vitamin
Mushroom elixir
Protein pop tart
Hummus
Flatbread
Bong hits
Spliff w/ grabba

Day 15

Kefir
Vitamin
Ginseng
Cappuccino
Lamb kati roll
Plum tart
Red wine
Bread
Balsamic vinegar
Olive oil
Pasta
Sausage
Sun dried tomatoes
Rabe

Day 16

Kefir
Multivitamin
Ginseng
Figs
Fried chicken
French fries
Kale and quinoa
Matcha latte
Eel rice ball
Flatbread
Hummus

Day 17

Multivitamin
Chicken tex Mex wrap
SunChips
Z man at joes
2 protein bars
Topo chico seltzer
2 corn tacos w/ quinoa beans guac and salsa
Chicken Quesadilla

Day 18

Cappuccino
Half a marble pound cake piece,
'Southwest sink' (insert ingredients)
Cubano juice
Fig bar
White claw mango
Vodka soda

Day 19

Cappucino
Biscotti
Flatbread
3 eggs
Hummus
Hot sauce
Zaatar spice
Figs
Half a turkey wrap
Delirium belgian beer
Light beer
Red wine
Guinness
Ketamine

Day 20

Figs
Flatbread
Hummus
Vitamins
Kombucha
Hi-Chews
Flatbread
Hummus
Bratwurst
Pretzel bun
Potato salad
Lettuce

Day 21

Vitamins
Oatmeal
Mushroom elixir
Protein cookie
Spicy Tuna Rice Ball
Jasmine Tea
15mg Adderall
1 Heineken
Chicken skewer
Tzatziki
Pita bread

Day 22

Italian loaf of bread w/ seeds
Kombucha
Vitamins
15mg addy

Day 23

15mg adderall
Protein cookie
Coconut water
1/2 banh mi
Vietnamese iced coffee
5 chicken potstickers
Shot of whiskey
3 beers (Miller High Life draft)
Vape
2 cigarettes

Day 24

15mg adderall
Clif bar
Coconut water
Pork bowl from Blue Park Kitchen

Day 25

Clif bar
Coco Water, pressed
15mg addy
Spicy salmon roll, 8 pc
UCC Matcha Latte

Day 26

No record found

Day 27

No record found

Day 28

Cappuccino
Biscotti
Taim bowl
2 slices of pizza
Coke
Orange wine
Ramune candy

Day 29

Cappuccino
Biscotti
20mg addy XR
Remedy Blue Protein Shake w/ 8g protein
Dave’s Killer Trail Mix Crumble Square
Yam
2 pieces of potato
Stewed pork
Perrier
Vape
Weed vape
15mg addy IR
But we must think that if it is true that we are living in cruel times, it is also true that we are in a time of wonders (390).

Day 30

No record found

S. Paul (@gnostic_samsara) is a writer and artist living in Queens. This log was originally compiled in September — view the first iteration here.